God, I believe.
Those words sometimes feel so rote and trite. Working at a church you would think that I have that sentence down cold. That it pours from my heart without even thinking. It skips totally past my brain because it comes from a life filled with belief.
Help my unbelief
Those words, as I become more and more entrenched in the world of ministry, seem to fill my voice over and over again. But I do believe! I wouldn’t be talking to you, God, if I didn’t believe in you. But sometimes, I just wonder if you have the power to bring about what you say in Romans 8:28.
Do you really work for the good of those who love you? Of those who are called according to YOUR purpose? I’ve been called by that purpose. I expected the world to try to destroy that belief, but when it comes from the church, when it comes from broken promises and false pretenses, when it not only affects yourself but causes your bride to cry and hurt….is that what the calling is about?!?
Is it about the people of God hurting you more than the world can or will?
Hear me crying in pain while in the belly of the beast
I wonder if this is what you meant by receiving extra judgment. Or I wonder if this is what you meant when you called the Pharisees a brood of vipers. The manmade laws that kept people from serving you and loving without abandon.
I want to love you without fear!
I want you to be the sole purpose for my existence.
I want to see you so famous that I can say with boldness and confidence that I believe!
But I am stuck. Between falling for a false promise and a kingdom that is so much greater than any single moment in time.
The belly of the beast
Imagine Jonah! Out of fear he ran from you! I am sure that at various points in my life I have run from you. But now has not been one of them. You called me into the fight and I heeded the call.
But when Jonah embraced his call, he immediately got swallowed up by the beast. Sure, call it a whale or a fish. It was something much bigger than him. And Jonah got swallowed up by that which is bigger.
I’ve been swallowed up by my calling.
I know the reasons why you hide yourself away, but I can’t think of any of those right now
The church has taken the power away from the Holy Spirit. We are guilty of a grievous crime! We give all the power to your followers and don’t even know how to speak with you anymore.
We are the brood of vipers!
We spend all our time looking only at what is on the surface that if we started to look too deeply we would find the mirror that you placed there showing us what our faults and hang-ups are.
But imagine the freedom that comes from looking into the eyes of God!
Think about what we have now and what you desire us to have.
So, God, I need a sign. I need to know you are still in my corner
It is a dangerous place to get paid to motivate others to you. The only way we can see success is numerically. But you are so much more than numbers! You are Spirit! You are love. You are peace. You are patience. You are kindness. You are self-control.
There are no quantifiable measures of those.
Paul would be voted out of our churches. He spoke the truth. He was gruff. He was not the nice church leader that we all expect in our churches these days.
But he was filled with the fruit of the Spirit.
Did he ever ask you for a sign?
When he opposed Peter, what happened there? I need to know the details, Lord.
I need that sign.
I’m not one for telling you what would be best for me
I’m not about to tempt you or put you to a stupid test.
I know you require faith
You said that blessed are those who believe who have never seen you
But just once….just this time….I need a confirmation
I need a miracle or wonder or voice or light
Or just give me something that I made up in my own head