Archive for the tag “divorce”

Part 1 – Anger into Passion

Philippians 3:13 – Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead

I remember the old days.

I wasn’t very religious. Quite the contrary, I was as carnal as the rest of the world.

I was married to a woman I met in college and we had 2 children. I was at the top of my professional game.

I had a salary well into the 6-figures.

We had just built a home on 6 acres.

We were traveling all around the world, taking cruises, eating in the best restaurants.

I enjoyed life.

I thought life was good.

But it wasn’t.

And I didn’t know that.

Underneath my prideful naivete was a seedy underworld that I didn’t realize existed.

Slowly but surely life started to unwind.

Romans 6:23 – For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

First, there were physical ailments, first my wife, then myself, then my children.

Next my job started to suffer. By the end of 2008 I was award-winning and on top of the world professionally. But then I started making mistakes. Major ones. Those mistakes led to write-ups and less opportunities for me to grow.

Finally, my wife and I had major issues. Because of the states of both of our hearts, we were unable to get past it.

We divorced.

I was angry!

I hated what everyone did to me.

Little did I know that my own actions had a lot to do with my downfall.

During the divorce, I tried every outlet I could think of that would bring me satisfaction. I tried pouring myself into my work, only to realize that it made me dislike my job more. I started secluding myself from others. I spent a lot of time online. It started with video games and eventually moved into pornography (no, there is not a relationship between the two, it was done out of boredom, anger, and pride).

I was cut off, and I did it to myself.

All because of anger.

I was at my lowest point. I was about to move out and live on my own. My job situation was shaky at best. My income was no longer in the 6-figures and I was looking at $1300/month in child support. I had no clue how to move forward.

All I knew is that I was tired of being angry.

Sick of it, in fact.

When I moved out I spent the first couple weeks in prayer and fasting. I hadn’t fasted in almost ever, unless I was getting blood drawn. And prayer, it was relegated to “bless the fries, bless the meat, ok Lord, let’s eat.”

But this time I was serious about it. I had no furniture. I had no bed. I had no WiFi. No usable computer. No TV.

I had my Bible and some cases of bottled water.

I prayed and fasted for the first time ever. When I was done praying, I would sleep. When I woke up, I would start up again.

This went on for almost 2 weeks.

Many who know me know that story.

But it is the next part of the story that most people don’t know.

My anger was turned into passion.

Ephesians 4:31-32 – Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Not the passion that the world is used to. Not a sexual, carnal passion.

My anger was turned into a passion to get back on track and the only way I knew how to get back on track was by giving everything to God.


The amazing thing is that this change happened almost immediately. Within a few weeks, my anger had turned into passion.

I felt the anger and the bitterness melt away. All that was left was a passion to see my life change for the God who I knew had saved me.

He saved me not just from the pit of hell, but from myself.

I never knew what true freedom felt like, but, at that moment, freedom was real to me. No more living in anger. No more living alone. No more pouring myself into a fantasy world or alcohol or the wrong crowd that was focused on bringing me down instead of raising me up.

So what now?

Having passion is only a good thing if you do something with it.  That passion needed to turn into vision and that vision into action.

God was birthing in me a vision for what He wanted my future to look like. That vision wouldn’t come easy, but it was needed to see a future that would be put back together, but this time, the right way.

Proverbs 3:5 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

Objects in the Mirror….

Philippians 3:13 – Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead

Let me start this post by saying to the married guys out there, DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE!
The main reason we, as Christians, propose “til death do you part” marriage is because it is Biblical.

But, as a divorced man, I am starting to understand the reasons behind that. It is very much like driving a car. As you are driving the speed limit, you begin to see that car speeding up “on your left.” (that was an inside joke that only Mimi and her boys will understand) As that car gets closer, you think it is a few car lengths behind you, but it is really right on you and you run the risk of an accident if you change lanes.  Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.

And that is just how it is with past marriages.

You might think that the past is far behind you, but it is really much closer than it appears.

I want to share my story here for those who might be going through something similar. But I want to preface this that I am currently in the throes of this and haven’t always made the right decisions or act in a loving manner. Also keep in mind that the effects of divorce will most likely last your entire life. There will be some good growth that comes from it, but there will also be negative baggage as well.

When my marriage ended years ago, I remember pleading with my now ex to just let me in. There were many nights I cried to her and to God for just to be included in what she was thinking, what she was doing. I had spent years not including her into my life, and when it came down to the end, she wouldn’t let me into her life.

Fast forward to the present.

Matthew 6: 31-34 – Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Mimi and I have been dating, pretty hardcore now for almost 2 years since we first claimed the status of “in a relationship.” But, about a year and a half ago, Mimi moved to the area. She was going to move to Virginia anyway, but a few months after that, to ramp up the relationship, she moved to Maryland, about 10 miles from me.

She gave up everything to move here.

When she did, I almost immediately put the brakes on the relationship. Not completely, but I would not let her and her family into my family completely. It took me almost 6 months to invite her to one of my kids’ soccer games.

Soon after moving here, Mimi started asking me to let her completely into my family. Unfortunately, I was scared. Just as my ex would not let me into her life, I would not let Mimi into mine.

That has been one of the factors that have led to our recent issues.

Mimi is a wonderful woman. I am very blessed to have been brought together with her. And because of the baggage that we both have from our past broken marriages, our relationship is at risk.

That is a painful place to be.

You see, since I was completely broken by my ex not letting me into her life even though I begged for it, I must have subconsciously told myself that I would not let myself be hurt like that ever again. Unfortunately, when we do that, we end up hurting others because of our walls.

I owe Mimi an apology for the wall I have in my heart. Regrettably it is a wall I never would have really found until I was in a serious relationship. But it is a wall nonetheless.

Moving forward, I am unsure of the future of Mimi and me. It is something we have been discussing a lot lately. And it is a discussion we need to be having.

So how does one move forward?

Well, I honestly believe that marriages are meant to be forever. God put that plan in place, I believe, because of the damage divorce does to his creations. It causes significant pain. It causes us to build walls that we may not even know we have until we need to confront them.

But what about if you are already divorced and dating someone?

First and foremost, give it to God. God is the only one who can show you where the walls are and how to take them down.

Second, stay close to the person you love. If you begin to break each other down, then that leads to a vicious cycle that is hard to end.

Finally, study the Word and learn about what love is. If you fortify your heart and soul with the constant definition of love, then you will practice it, even when your walls are trying to block it.

So I hope my story helps others a little. I don’t know how this story will end, so hopefully I will post another update near the end of the summer. And hopefully we will have a happy ending to this story.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 – But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

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